my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
