you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
