If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
