I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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