dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
