i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
