I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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