I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
