Define "chronic" masturbator.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
