: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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