dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
there was a trapeze. enough said
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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