The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
wow bdsm is so cute
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
