My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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