I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
