the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
