she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
