we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
And then my night got REAL pukey
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
