Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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