Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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