We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
