Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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