Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
