She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
