Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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