they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
