Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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