HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
