I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
