I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
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