Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
