Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
