i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
