my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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