Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize