You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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