it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
