He disabled his match.com account in front of me
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
