I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
