He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
