Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
