3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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