apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
this beer tastes like vomit already
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
