Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Let's get the cat blown out
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I wear drunk well.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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