I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
party gras won. party gras always wins.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
