well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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