proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
