I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
