i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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