white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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