Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
