I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
where are my pants?
in the oven.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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