So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
