paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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