lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
