We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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