If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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