Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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