does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
