I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
