OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
