sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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