the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
why is half of my head shaved?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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