Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
