I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
